Understanding the complexities of betrayal in love is essential for anyone navigating the intricate web of romantic relationships. The pain of rejection can shake the very foundation of our emotional bonds, leaving us questioning what is possible within our connections. Today, we explore the profound impact betrayal has on our psychology, examining how our responses and daily interactions might be influenced by past experiences in love.
The consequences of betrayal are not only emotional but also physiological, as the body’s responses can manifest in increased stress and, sometimes, even digestive issues. The shock of being deceived often gives rise to paranoia and an appetite for understanding that is difficult to satiate. It becomes clear that addressing these feelings through avenues such as psychotherapy can foster greater self-compassion and healing.
As we delve deeper into the subject, we will analyze the consistent patterns found in betrayals, bringing our attention to the belief systems that shape our perceptions of trust and love. It’s worth trying to unravel these intricacies to minimize the pain associated with betrayal and build stronger friendships and romantic partnerships. By understanding what truly affects us, we are able to cultivate healthier bonds and approach relationships with greater insight.
Understanding the Emotional Impact of Betrayal
Betrayal in love can have a profound emotional impact on individuals today. When someone we have trusted deeply, like a partner, suddenly deceives us, it creates a traumatic event that lingers for years. Persons like Kenley often share how eight years ago, they faced a similar situation and how it has shaped their mental well-being since then. The difficulty of acknowledging such betrayal can lead to a toxic mix of doubt and paranoia, affecting our daily decisions.
In times of betrayal, many individuals find it exhausting to navigate the reality of their feelings. They may feel truly hurt by the secrets that were kept from them, leading to harmful consequences on their overall mental health. A sudden loss of trust can create a spiral of negative thoughts. Individuals should consider incorporating therapeutic practices into their lives, which can help them create awareness around their emotions. Through these methods, they are able to reach a clearer understanding of their feelings.
Acknowledging the impact of betrayal is crucial for survival. It allows persons to move forward instead of being weighed down by the past. Kenley, for instance, emphasizes that we’ve been conditioned to believe we should be able to trust easily, but betrayal teaches us that such trust needs to be nurtured with caution. Each decision made post-betrayal can either heal or hinder one’s well-being, so it is essential to take time for self-care. Items such as guided journals or self-help books available on platforms like Amazon can serve as therapeutic tools to help navigate these painful experiences. These products, like “The Betrayal Bond” or journals focusing on emotional healing, provide support during these difficult times.
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Ultimately, understanding and addressing the emotional impact of betrayal allows a person to cultivate a healthier mindset. The journey may be challenging, but with awareness and support, it is possible to overcome the trauma and reclaim one’s sense of self. Remember, healing takes time, and it’s okay to seek help when needed.
Why Does Betrayal Feel So Personal?
Betrayal often feels like a direct attack on our very being. When a partner engages in infidelity, the wounds run deep, affecting not just the relationship but also our sense of self. This intense personal feeling is rooted in the psychodynamic processes that govern our emotions and responses. A therapist might explain that when we trust someone, we form a bond that is both emotional and physical. When that trust is broken, it doesn’t just hurt; it leads to profound feelings of doubt and insecurity.
The ability to reclaim our sense of self after betrayal can be challenging. Many individuals find it crucial to explore their feelings with a therapist, as this exploration helps to minimize the emotional turmoil associated with betrayal. The quick response to these feelings can often lead to avoiding difficult conversations or suppressing emotions, which can be a temporary survival mechanism but rarely offers lasting relief.
Research shows that those who experience betrayal often feel a loss of control and an overwhelming sense of personal violation. This can be particularly true in the context of marriage, where vows are meant to signify enduring trust. Feeling lied to can shatter the foundation of any relationship, leaving individuals questioning not just the partner but their ability to trust anyone again. In such circumstances, it is vital to hold space for compassion–for ourselves and for the person who hurt us–as we navigate the healing process.
Addressing the profound difficulties associated with betrayal is a journey that requires awareness and courage. It is essential to remember that healing can take time. An exploration of our feelings, often facilitated through therapy, can assist us in processing the pain and ultimately help us move forward. Sharing experiences with colleagues or trusted friends can also provide support as we work through the emotional aftermath of deception.
The Role of Attachment Styles in Experiencing Betrayal
Understanding how attachment styles influence our experiences with betrayal is crucial in the realm of relationships. Research shows that there are four primary attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. These styles shape the way individuals perceive and respond to betrayal. For instance, someone with a secure attachment style might process betrayal with a focus on empathy and accountability, leading to healthier responses. They are typically better equipped to navigate the emotional aftermath, allowing for effective processing and reconciliation.
On the other hand, individuals with anxious attachment may experience betrayal as a traumatic event that triggers overwhelming feelings of shame and self-doubt. They often struggle with feelings of abandonment, which can result in an exhausting cycle of overreaction and seeking reassurance from their partners. This can further complicate their ability to grieve properly and rebuild trust in their relationships. In contrast, avoidantly attached individuals might choose to distance themselves emotionally, making it difficult to truly engage in the process of healing and care after a betrayal. They may appear indifferent, yet inside, they often grieve in silence.
A lack of understanding of attachment styles can lead to misinterpretations in relationships. For instance, a colleague with an avoidant style might seem dismissive when their partner expresses hurt feelings, creating further distance. Conversely, someone with an anxious style may fawn or cling to their partner for validation, which can be psychologically draining for both parties. It is essential to recognize these behaviors as forms of emotional responses shaped by early traumas and attachment experiences.
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Building a healthy relationship after experiencing betrayal requires consistent effort in rebuilding intimacy and trust. Insights from researchers emphasize the importance of self-compassion and empathy in this journey. Couples can work together to create an environment where both partners feel safe to express their feelings, ultimately leading to stronger emotional closeness. Products that support this kind of healing, such as relationship-building workbooks or guided journals, can be found on platforms like Amazon. For example, “The Relationship Workbook for Couples” or “Hold Me Tight” provide practical exercises that help couples reconnect and process their emotions more effectively.
Ultimately, understanding and addressing different attachment styles is crucial for healthy relationship dynamics. By adopting the right perspective and fostering an atmosphere of care and support, individuals can work through the pain of betrayal and move toward a more fulfilling partnership.
How Betrayal Can Affect Mental Health
When we think about betrayal, it often brings feelings of shock and hurt. Betrayed by a partner, or even a close friend, the initial response is a powerful wound that can lead to years of emotional difficulties. This emotional turmoil can affect the core of our mental health, making it difficult for individuals to trust again. While the process of healing can seem overwhelming, acknowledging the emotional impact is the first step to moving forward.
In the aftermath of betrayal, the dynamics of friendships and relationships can change drastically. It’s essential to create a safe space to process these feelings. Many people hesitate to share their pain, fearing that their honesty will push others away. This can lead to isolation, where the fear of being hurt again becomes a barrier to rebuilding trust. Empathy plays a crucial role in this healing space. Talking with a therapist can provide much-needed support and understanding during these times.
Consider the type of psychological systems we build with our relationships. A betrayal can shake the very foundation of these systems, leading individuals to question their future with others and themselves. In psychotherapy, clients often explore these themes, working through feelings inflicted by the betrayal. Examples of techniques involve cognitive behavioral approaches that help in reconstructing the negative beliefs that stem from being betrayed.
Betrayal can evoke deeper issues of self-worth and care. If we’ve been betrayed, we might wonder if we were good enough or if we missed signs along the way. This questioning can foster a sense of inadequacy, but with time and support, it is possible to survive and rebuild. For many, the journey involves integrating compassion into their understanding of both themselves and the betrayer, recognizing that both parties are often members of a larger narrative of hurt and healing.
By engaging in discussions about betrayal and its effects, we begin to understand not just the wounds inflicted but the mechanisms needed for recovery. Providing oneself with both time and empathy is key. Over the years, this process of healing can create stronger bonds based on mutual understanding and respect. Whether you’re fostering friendships or romantic relationships, trusting again will require patience and perhaps even a little guidance from a professional therapist.
When betrayal deeply affects mental health, professional support becomes one of the most effective ways to heal. Relationship-focused therapy helps partners process painful emotions, rebuild trust, and develop healthier communication patterns. Online counseling platforms like Calmerry offer access to licensed therapists who specialize in relationship counseling, allowing individuals or couples to start healing from home in a flexible and supportive environment.
Calmerry’s relationship counseling programs are designed to help partners navigate betrayal, emotional distance, and trust breakdown using evidence-based approaches such as CBT and emotionally focused therapy.
Relationship Counseling
Mechanisms of Trust and Its Breakdown
Trust is a core element in any relationship, particularly in love. When two persons come together, they often share a mutual commitment, forming a foundation of loyalty. This loyalty is built on consistent communication and accountability, allowing both partners to feel secure and understood. However, when dishonesty surfaces, it can quickly destroy this fragile bond. The moment deception occurs, it not only affects the feeling of trust but also introduces feelings of insecurity and paranoia.
Consider situations where one partner feels their loyalty is betrayed. They may begin to doubt what they’ve heard or think about the reality of their relationship. This conflict can lead to mistrust, making it difficult to survive emotionally. A therapist might suggest exploring these feelings further, as understanding the source of dishonesty is crucial. For instance, the brain’s cortex plays an important role in processing emotions, and when someone lies, it can send mixed signals that affect one’s overall well-being.
In these moments, it’s essential to develop empathy. Understanding why a partner might feel the need to deceive can be exhausting, but it’s a step toward healing. For example, someone could be dealing with financial insecurity, leading them to lie about their situation. The key is to create a haven for open dialogue. When both partners are willing to share their fears and vulnerabilities, it fosters a better environment for trust to flourish again.
However, leaving such conflicts unresolved can lead to a greater loss of connection. Moving past feelings of betrayal requires time and effort from both sides. It’s important to think carefully about how to rebuild what was broken. Remember, relationships are powerful, and with a commitment to honesty and clarity, it’s possible to restore trust. Always keep in mind that trust can be a fragile thing, but with patience, it can also be one of the strongest elements of a loving relationship.
What Are the Stages of Trust Development in Relationships?
Developing trust in a relationship is a complex process that typically unfolds in several stages. Understanding these stages can help you navigate the ups and downs of trust-building, especially when dealing with the sensitive nature of betrayal. Research shows that these stages can be seen as a journey, where each step is fundamental in creating a secure connection. The journey begins with openness, where both parties share their past experiences and fears, creating a sense of vulnerability. This initial exposure lays the groundwork for a strong relationship.
As you progress, support from your partner becomes crucial. Here, accountability plays a significant role. When both parties demonstrate integrity and honesty, trust begins to take root. However, trust can be somewhat fragile. A single breach can sting, triggering doubts and paranoia. For instance, if your partner lies about a seemingly trivial matter, it might lead you to question their honesty in more significant aspects of the relationship. To survive such situations, it’s essential to address these feelings and communicate openly.
The stage of rebuilding trust often involves reclaiming what was lost. This phase might feel painful as past traumas surface. It’s important to remember that though it’s difficult, the ability to recover depends on both individuals’ commitment to understanding each other. As you work through these elements, your intuition can guide you–trust it to help you make clear decisions about your relationship. Understand that while the journey is not without risks, taking steps towards recovery can lead to a deeper, more satisfying connection.
Ultimately, defining what trust means to you and your partner today will help solidify a lasting bond. Whether through friendship, romance, or other approaches, being open and honest creates a foundation for enduring trust. If you’re looking for tools to aid in this journey, consider resources from Amazon that can guide you on emotional intelligence or books on relationship psychology. They might just provide the insight needed to continue building trust in your relationship.
How Do Cognitive Dissonance and Betrayal Interact?
Cognitive dissonance occurs when what you believe conflicts with your experiences, causing a psychological discomfort that’s difficult to manage. In the context of betrayal in love, dissonance can arise dramatically when loyalty is broken. For instance, if you’re in a long-term relationship and discover that your partner has been unfaithful, the chaos of conflicting feelings can create significant emotional turmoil. This sense of betrayal forces you to confront the reality of a situation that you knew, on some level, could happen, but hoped would never occur.
The primary reactions to feelings of dissonance involve attempts to reestablish safety and stability. Many people may take the path of silence, avoiding discussions about the betrayal to protect themselves from further hurt. Research by Freyd highlights how individuals often develop boundaries as a means of coping, attempting to create a safe space where meaningful connections can flourish despite the risk of more pain. This exploration of feelings can be complex, as the appetite for understanding must compete with the desire to shield oneself from further emotional injury.
When betrayal happens, the amygdala, which is sensitive to emotional experiences, becomes highly active. This response can lead to heightened awareness of potential threats, influencing future behavior and decisions in relationships. For example, if someone felt betrayed in a past relationship, they might react cautiously in a new one, even if the current partner has proven to be trustworthy. The difficulties of managing dissonance can lead individuals to wonder whether they will ever feel safe enough to fully engage with others again.
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Many people find that acknowledging their feelings helps alleviate some of the dissonance. This means admitting to themselves that the betrayal occurred and reflecting on their responses to it. Taking small steps towards healing, such as reading self-help books or seeking therapy, can provide support. Consider exploring titles like “The Body Keeps the Score” or “Attached,” which are available on Amazon. They help in developing coping strategies and understanding how past experiences shape current relationships. By addressing dissonance, you’re not just healing; you’re also building a foundation to develop more meaningful and safe connections in the future.
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The Impact of Betrayal on Future Trust-Building
Betrayal can leave deep emotional scars that affect our ability to form healthy connections in future relationships. When someone we trust breaks that bond, it often leads to a lack of confidence in others. Researchers have found that after experiencing betrayal, individuals tend to become wary of new relationships, fearing that the same thing will happen again. This wariness is a sign of the lasting impacts of betrayal on trust dynamics.
According to Kenley, a psychologist, it is essential to address these feelings directly. When betrayal occurs, it can be hard to digest the emotions that follow. Many people find themselves in a cycle of repeated reflections on what went wrong, which can be physically debilitating. It’s not uncommon to experience digestive issues or sleepless nights as the mind replays the situation. Effectively reclaiming the ability to trust again requires effort, but it is possible.
Taking responsibility for one’s feelings is a pivotal step. Even years after the betrayal, some people may find themselves struggling to keep their guard up. However, building loyalty again in relationships can truly be a rewarding experience. Engaging in open conversations about past experiences with trusted colleagues or friends can help in rebuilding confidence. This sharing can also benefit others who are undergoing similar situations.
- Consider products that promote emotio nal well-being, like journals that encourage reflection.
- Meditation tools such as apps or guided audio experiences can help in processing emotions.
- Books on trust and relationships, available on Amazon, can provide insight into rebuilding connections.
Moving forward after betrayal is a personal journey; there is no one-size-fits-all approach. However, understanding the dynamics at play can help individuals become more resilient. It may feel harder at first, but with time and effort, one can learn not only to trust again but to build even deeper connections than before.
Betrayal in love is a deeply painful experience, but it does not have to define the future of your relationships or your emotional well-being. By understanding its psychological impact, recognizing personal patterns, and developing healthier ways to process trust and vulnerability, you create space for genuine healing and growth. Whether through self-reflection, supportive connections, or professional guidance such as relationship counseling services like Calmerry, recovery becomes a structured and empowering journey rather than an isolated struggle. With patience, compassion, and the right support, it is possible to rebuild trust, strengthen emotional resilience, and form deeper, more secure connections than ever before.
Q&A:
What are the common psychological effects experienced by individuals who have been betrayed in a romantic relationship?
Individuals who experience betrayal in love can face a myriad of psychological effects. Commonly, they encounter feelings of deep sadness, anger, and confusion. The sense of trust that once existed can be shattered, leading to doubts about one’s self-worth and the viability of future relationships. Some may also experience anxiety or depression, as well as intrusive thoughts about the betrayal, which can disrupt daily life. Additionally, these individuals may find it challenging to open up emotionally to others, fearing future betrayals.
How does betrayal affect the dynamics of a romantic relationship between partners?
Betrayal can significantly alter the dynamics between romantic partners. It often results in a breach of trust, which can create a rift that might be difficult to bridge. Partners may find themselves engaging in defensive or hostile behaviors, leading to communication breakdowns. In some cases, the wounded partner may seek validation or reassurance, while the betrayer may feel guilt or defensiveness. If not addressed, these dynamics can lead to further resentment and dissatisfaction within the relationship. However, some couples may choose to work through the betrayal, which could either strengthen the bond through mutual understanding or ultimately result in the relationship’s end.
What strategies can someone employ to heal from the emotional pain caused by betrayal?
Healing from betrayal involves various strategies focusing on emotional well-being. Acknowledging and expressing feelings such as anger and sadness is crucial; this may involve journaling, talking to friends, or seeking therapy for professional support. Setting boundaries regarding communication with the betrayer can also be important for emotional distance. Rebuilding self-esteem through self-care activities, pursuing interests, and surrounding oneself with supportive people helps restore a sense of control. Additionally, practicing forgiveness—whether toward oneself or the betrayer—can assist in moving forward, even if it does not mean reconciling the relationship.
What role does communication play in addressing issues of betrayal in relationships?
Communication is a pivotal aspect when addressing betrayal within relationships. Open and honest discussions about feelings can facilitate understanding for both partners, allowing them to express their pain and perspectives. It’s important for the betrayed partner to share how the betrayal affected them, while the betrayer needs to acknowledge their actions and the impact on their partner. Utilizing effective communication can lead to clarifying misunderstandings, setting expectations, and rebuilding trust. For couples willing to repair their relationship, establishing a safe environment for dialogue can be the first step towards healing.
How can understanding the psychology behind betrayal help individuals in their future relationships?
Understanding the psychology of betrayal can empower individuals in their future relationships by providing insights into their own emotional responses and the behavior of others. It can foster greater awareness of triggers and boundaries, enabling better emotional regulation. Individuals may recognize patterns that lead to feelings of insecurity or trust issues, allowing them to address these proactively. Moreover, this knowledge can assist in identifying healthy communication strategies, ensuring that they engage more mindfully and constructively in future partnerships. Ultimately, this understanding helps individuals build stronger foundations for relationships characterized by trust and mutual respect.
What are some common psychological triggers that lead to betrayal in romantic relationships?
Betrayal in romantic relationships often stems from various psychological triggers. One significant factor is unmet emotional needs. When partners feel neglected or unvalued, they may seek validation or affection elsewhere. Another critical trigger is a perceived loss of connection; individuals may feel more isolated over time, leading to vulnerability and susceptibility to outside influences. Trust issues, often rooted in past experiences, can also prompt betrayal, as individuals may act defensively or retaliate against perceived slights. Lastly, the allure of new experiences can drive people to betray their partners, as they may become enamored with the excitement that comes from novelty.
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Much more than what I expected. Eye-opening, relationship saving. My psychiatrist pretty much made me order this book even though in my mind I was dead set against, thinking it was going to be a waste of time, perfectly convinced I knew everything about myself and whatever kind of “attached” I was.Whoa.Was I wrong.And I hate to be wrong. Thanks, Dr. D.General Information: This book is an easy read. It’s not that stuff you need to be a rocket-scientist to figure out – in layman terms it briefs you on the broader different styles of attachment: secure, anxious and avoidant. The book helps you determine what kind of attachment styles you have via reading examples of others attachment styles and there are also some quizzes if you’re still not sure, all of which I found useful. I really liked that the authors presented examples of scenarios of attachment styles and encouraged the reader to read through the scenarios and guess the kind of attachment styles that were presented based on the knowledge we had already been given in the earlier part of the book. I find that a helpful way to learn.Given that I was not into reading this in the first place – the fact that it was light reading, interesting and at times fun – made me very attuned to what this book had to say. I agree it wasn’t super in-depth but I don’t fault this book for that because if it was super in depth I would have not even read it. My psychiatrist knows what the heck she is talking about and she choose this book for a reason – so I have zero complaints. I think she was even impressed with how much I was able to take away after reading it in one day.Personal Information:This book taught me a lot about myself. With women, I have anxious attachments – stemming from an unpredictable childhood. I pretty much tend to gravitate toward any one who acts maternal with me and cling to her. This isn’t necessarily about romantic attachment for me, it spelled out a lot of patterns with all the people I have in my life: from friends, family members, partners and even my doctors.I had started to notice that I was feeling unsettled in my relationship with my fiance. I was getting annoyed at everything he did. Little things, like the way he chewed. I would get annoyed when he would text me and completely ignore him for hours at a time. Until I read this book, I didn’t realize the problem was me and that with men I have a very avoidant attachment style. I was able to take the criticism to heart without feeling persecuted because the book doesn’t make you feel that way even though avoidants can come off as very very harsh and cruel and indifferent.I’m now able to communicate more effectively, recognize my own patterns of behavior, identify that I am responsible for my own actions and feelings and now I feel a real sense of control and independence because I have that knowledge. I have that security. I can reciprocate with my fiance now and not be so dismissive of him and I’m able to be a bit more open without feeling that he’s trying to stop me from being my own person or that he’s suffocating me.I highly recommend this book. If you want to delve super deep into this attachment thing – some other reviewers mentioned additions and alternatives but I wouldn’t. I am a very learned person, a very intelligent person and I didn’t need anything more in depth than this book to help me to start to recognize patterns that needed to change. I think this book is best served to people who can admit where they are on the attachment continuum. I happen to be at a place in my life now, thanks to my psychiatrist and therapist, where I am able to let my guard down a bit and accept things that are difficult for me to accept.. Maybe even just six months ago I wouldn’t have been ready to admit this. But given my ability to be ready and my desire to make things right in my life now that I have a child – I didn’t need a guide book to tell me how to figure out the things I needed to do to fix the areas that needed work in my life regarding my attachment styles.I disagree with the reviews that claim this book doesn’t offer us any insight as to why we are the way we are and what we can do about it. Several times this book mentions the theories of infant and other kinds of attachments but does say that it’s not the purpose of this book to delve into that. That’s good enough for me. I was able to discern from the minimal but powerful examples they give of the attachment styles of infants to their caregivers to know why I am the way I am and I wrote a whole essay about it to share with my psychiatrist…. thanks to this book.As for what we can do about it – this was also something I didn’t need a road map for. This is going to sound pretty darn simplistic but maybe that’s just because it is. Kind of just do the opposite of what you’re doing….???? That is how this has been working for me, anyway. But of course, I relied on the examples in the book to help direct my behavior without needing a “HOW TO” direction stamped across the page. You rely on your intuition. You rely on your knowledge. You rely on your empathy and most of all you rely on your willingness to enact change.The examples in this book were definitely not apples to apples with how I am with my fiance – but it was enough of an eye-opening experience for me to say to myself: “Oh geez….. I do things like this all the time and this is how my fiance must feel. He’s just reacting to my avoidance. If I start to try to be less avoidant and give him a little bit more security by acknowledging him maybe he won’t feel so frustrated or taken advantage of or hurt.”And that’s what I started to do. I started to recognize the behaviors I have that are avoidant and started to replace them with more healthy behaviors. At first this wasn’t easy. I felt like I was losing a part of myself by giving in to him but then I realized that’s silly and I went back to the book for guidance and reassurance and that’s when I decided to feel more secure and in control. I’m far more independent by making the right, healthy choices for our relationship than I am being a slave to my fear of dependency. I really feel empowered by this and I thank the authors for putting this out there in a way that isn’t complicated but that is so very helpful.
Captivating. After being struck by trauma – combat, auto accident, assault, abuse – why do the dreams come and come and come? From where does the anxiety, distractedness, or outburst originate? Are there reasons for the gut balling up into a knot and the chest squeezing tight and feeling like it will implode when unwanted memories of the distress invade? Why does the recall come in pieces, chunks, or flashes? And then there’s the inability to communicate, the mental shut-down, the emotional-frigidity; what is that all about? Is there any way to move from the trauma and its aftermath to some sense of genuine wellbeing? All of these subjects, and more, are covered by Bessel van der Kolk, founder and medical director of the Trauma Center in Brookline, Massachusetts, professor of psychiatry at Boston University School of Medicine, and director of the National Complex Trauma Treatment Network, in his 464 page paperback, “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma”. This volume is written for both the helping-professions technician and therapist, as well as for the traumatized and their families. With thousands of book reviews already posted and published, I’ll make this review brief.“The Body Keeps the Score” unpacks the way trauma affects us, mind, brain, and body. The author looks at multiple forms of therapy, showing their strengths and limits. He recognizes that there are “fundamentally three avenues [of therapy]: 1) top down, by talking, (re-) connecting with others, and allowing ourselves to know and understand what is going on with us, while processing the memories of the trauma; 2) by taking medicines that shut down inappropriate alarm reactions, or by utilizing other technologies that change the way the brain organizes information, and 3) bottom up: by allowing the body to have experiences that deeply and viscerally contradict the helplessness, rage, or collapse that results from trauma” (3). Van der Kolk addresses each of these approaches while explaining in detail what harrowing ordeals do to people.The author’s proposition through the pages is that the anguish of assault and abuse “changes brain development, self-regulation, and the capacity to stay focused and in tune with others…experiences change the structure and function of the brain – and even affect the genes we pass on to our children…devastates the social-engagement system and interferes with cooperation, nurturing, and the ability to function as a productive member of the clan” (349, 351). One of the aspects that surprised me was how the “ventral vagal complex” – the vagus nerve that interfaces with other nervous systems – takes what my brain is experiencing (even re-experiencing through PTSD, etc.) and mobilizes muscles, heart, lungs and other body parts, so that I feel the alarm – or helplessness – or grief in my brain all the way down into my chest and stomach! Which means my body begins to take on muscle-memory (as we put it in martial arts)! Therefore, if “the memory of trauma is encoded in the viscera, in heartbreaking and gut-wrenching emotions, in autoimmune disorders and skeletal/muscular problems, and if mind/brain/visceral communication is the royal road to emotion regulation, this demands a radical shift in our therapeutic assumptions (88). It’s this “radical shift in therapeutic assumptions” that dominates the authors final eight chapters, where he methodically explains different “paths to recovery”. This is truly a captivating read!Van der Kolk weaves into the technical aspects of the book biographical and autobiographical tales that help the reader to see what has gone on, and not gone on, in the world of psychiatry and psychology regarding trauma. The stories also help to cement into the imagination and comprehension what he is trying to communicate. The book is reasonably technical with neuroscience, brain studies, physiology, professional acronyms and so forth. But the author is careful to not leave anyone in the dark. It is a fascinating read that treats the audience as mature enough to handle the subject and grasp the material. I disagreed with the evolutionary explanations of how the brain develops and found the little political rant in the epilogue disappointing. But beyond these, I was almost mesmerized by the book!“The Body Keeps the Score” is a whole textbook on physiology, brain studies and neuroscience, as well as therapeutic theories. It is not a self-help book, but readers who are looking for help will likely find it beneficial. Helping professionals may also find it advantageous as the author has a plethora of notes on various studies and articles. But I think that the biggest value will be for those who have family members, friends, and parishioners that have been through violent experiences. It gives a bigger and better perspective on what s going on, and they will be able to draw from the various paths to recovery approaches they can take as they seek to be part of the remedy and not the trauma. I highly recommend the book.
Required Reading For Every Human Romantic Couple On Planet Earth. Dr. Sue Johnson is the master. The most important and significant psychologist since perhaps Carl Jung, and perhaps the greatest relationship psychologist of all time. The success rate in her clinic, where she works with the worst of the worst when it comes to couples (an ex-Marine with PTSD who was beaten by his dad and a woman who was sexually molested her whole childhood by an uncle), only shows what she can do for average couples who have problems that aren’t as severe. However, the problem is that you cannot read this book in 3 days like some John Gray (he is not a doctor) pop psychology book. This is book involving a deep amount of research and clinical studies, but it is still written for the layperson. In essence, there are no easy answers.The other issue is Dr. Sue’s work flies in the face of 30+ years of psychology therapy which taught couples that they must be 100% happy, have all their ducks lined up in a row, and basically be perfect until they can have a great relationship. Bull. According to Dr. Sue, a deep romantic relationship with a partner is base in part of healing childhood wounds and other traumas. A romantic relationship most closely resembles the bond that exists between a mother and baby. It is not the SAME relationship (of course!). But in terms of the emotional intensity and closeness it is.She has been on a crusade to eradicate co-dependency from psychological language. People NEED each other. They are interdependent, social creatures. Her books provide countless examples of people and other animals who thrive and are better thru having these “hold me tight” relationships. The comfort they bring leads to people thriving in life. It leads to more risk taking. It leads to better health. She has done countless MRI brain studies to show that when you are “fighting” with your partner, your brain looks EXACTLY like a lion is chasing you. The new part of brain has not evolved fast enough to deal with such fighting without the conversational techniques that she writes about and teaches. The bond between you and your partner is that INTENSE and that critical. The way you communicate with each other has to be so delicate.When a person is experiencing fear, pain, and all sorts of negative things, and an MRI is taken of their brain, Dr. Sue has shown that when the hurting person feels the touch of their partner’s hand, it completely changes their brain and how it looks. It provides that level of comfort.And you want to tell me that people need to be 100% happy in order to have a healthy relationship? Yes individual therapy is useful in that it can allow you to understand where your thoughts, feelings and emotions are coming from, and how your partner can help you heal with it detracting from their own growth. But as U2 once said in a song, “Sometimes You Just Can’t Make It On Your Own.”Anyone in an online dating profile who says they are 100% happy and is just looking for a partner to add to their happiness……well…..Dr. Sue would say stay single. Because relationships ARE HARD. They are not easy, and they are supposed to be that way. But the rewards far outgain the negatives. But she also says there are just too many people are coming in her clinic, and too many people coming into other psychologist’s offices, to suggest that any relationship can just add to the 100% happiness that you already have. People are going into therapy because they crave that innate bond that is no important to survival and health of our species.This is too hard to explain. I suggest reading both of her books Hold Me Tight and Love Sense. And yes, she claims love can be explained by science.
A pleasingly aesthetic journal for starting a gratitude practice. I bought this after looking at the images, basically you have facing pages, morning meditation on the left, and evening reflection at the right. This is perfect if you want to set a habit (or ritual) for every morning and every evening. I think a habit is supposed to take an average of 90 days to set, so this seems perfectly geared towards that.It’s undated so it doesn’t one shame you if you miss a day (or more). There has been times where I may do something like write one morning, then forget it till the evening three days later, so I don’t waste pages or feel bad. That’s the great thing about it, it seems more like practicing, than focusing on being perfect.You can, if you wish, cross something out and make it your own. While this is a book to practice gratitude but I decided to try something different and for a week changed “What I’m grateful for” to “What I’m manifesting” just to see if that would have a different impact on my mindset. There’s something about this journal that seems to encourage a bit of experimentation or making this process your own.The paper has a bit of tooth to it, for some reason that urged me to write using a mechanical pencil, I’m not sure how other writing implements fare.I love that the pages have rounded corners, kinda like a comp book does, if you hate pointy corners that jab you, this is a great thing. It’s interesting that the pages have slight variations throughout, so it doesn’t get monotonous or feel like drudgery. Most of the pages are a sort of ivory color, but some have a neat pinkish or bluish ombre effect. There seems to be some variability hues of the pages are applied. There are symbols or patterns near the notes section that vary both in pattern and color. There are probably patterns and repetition since it’s mass produced, but it’s not obvious to me at least, which makes it feel more personable. Coming from more institutionalized planners and journals, this is a nice touch.The journal is between hardcover and softcover, stiff but with a bit of give to it, not rigid, it seems less heavy than a typical hardcover. It gives me enough support to write on in my lap if I don’t have a table or something to write on.It looks like they have other 90 day themed journals, I have already noted the next one I’d like to try out when I’ve completed this one!
great book. I’ll admit it. I am totally attached to _Attached_. But, not in an unhealthy way, really. I’ve read my fair share of books on relationships (including textbooks during my clinical training as a therapist), and I can honestly say that this book provides the most elegant framework for organizing, explaining, and rescuing relationship problems that I’ve seen.It clearly delivers on the hope that the authors have for this book:“We hope that you will use the relationship wisdom distilled in this book, from more than two decades of research, to find happiness in your romantic connections and to soar in all aspects of your life. If you follow the attachment principles we have outlined, you will be actively giving yourself the best shot at finding—and keeping—a deeply gratifying love, instead of leaving one of the most important aspects of your life to chance!” (pp. 272-273)Based on the science of attachment, the book looks at the three basic types of attachment: avoidant, anxious, and secure. In a nutshell: if you’re avoidant, relationships feel like a threat to your independence; if you’re anxious, relationships feel like a lifeline that is going to be yanked away from you at any moment; if you’re secure, relationships provide you with peace of mind. Early on, the book helps you determine your style of attachment, and the style of your partner as well.After helping to determine attachment styles, the book takes a closer look at how these three different attachment styles present themselves in everyday life, and when they are most likely to clash. Not surprisingly, the most clash-likely relationship is between a person with an avoidant style of attachment and one with an anxious style. (Can we say distancer and pursuer?) The authors provide both insight and hope for helping avoiding the needless suffering often accompanying this attachment style mis-match:“People have very different capacities for intimacy. And when one person’s need for closeness is met with another person’s need for independence and distance, a lot of unhappiness ensues. By being cognizant of this fact, both of you can navigate your way better in the dating world to find someone with intimacy needs similar to your own (if you are unattached) or reach an entirely new understanding about your differing needs in an existing relationship—a first and necessary step toward steering it in a more secure direction.” (p. 270)The book provides tools and communication strategies that use attachment principles to help you avoid the traps of mismatched relationships (and/or help you free yourself and survive one you may have fallen into), and shows you how to focus your energies on building secure relationships. Even if you’re not the secure type (only about 50% of people are), it still is possible to be in a secure relationship—it just takes a good mix of self-awareness and ongoing work. Think of this book as the guidebook for doing that work.The cherry on top of this deliciously satisfying book comes in the form of the authors’ simple, but profound, summary of the key essentials for finding and keeping (secure) love:***Your attachment needs are legitimate.***You shouldn’t feel bad for depending on the person you are closet to—it is part of your genetic makeup.***A relationship, from an attachment perspective, should make you feel more self-confident and give you peace of mind. If it doesn’t, this is a wake up call!***And, above all, remain true to your authentic self—playing games will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding happiness, be it with your current partner or with someone else. (p. 272)_Attached_ should seriously be required reading for anyone who has been, is, wants to be, or will be in a relationship. Yep, it is that good. And, so can be your relationships if you take this book to heart!
A powerful book for those wanting a deep dive into the sicience of trauma and recovery. As a Behavioral Health Pharmacist, I work with many patients dealing with PTSD and other trauma-related mental health issues. I wanted to read The Body Keeps the Score to better understand how trauma affects the brain and body, and to be able to explain to my patients why sticking with their prescribed medications can be an important part of their healing process.This book is packed with information. Dr. van der Kolk does a wonderful job of explaining how trauma changes brain chemistry, often leaving people stuck in a cycle of stress and emotional distress. I found the discussions on fight, flight, or freeze especially interesting, as they really helped connect the dots between mental health symptoms and physical reactions. The book also explores different treatment approaches, including traditional therapies and alternative methods like yoga, drama, and neurofeedback, which I found useful.That said, this book isn’t the easiest to read. It’s dense, and at times, I felt like it could have been more concise. Some of the detailed trauma accounts were difficult to get through and might be triggering for some readers. I also think it could have done a better job acknowledging resilience—many people do recover from trauma without extensive therapy, and that wasn’t really addressed.Overall, I’m glad I read it. It gave me valuable insights that will help me guide my patients and explain why managing trauma often requires a combination of medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes. While it may not be for everyone, it’s a powerful book for those wanting a deep dive into the science of trauma and recovery.
GRATEFUL for this Gratitude Journal, A+. LOVE the look, feel and content of this Gratitude Journal. I begin the morning with a three minute meditation practice, followed by writing in this journal. Feels good and is positively healthy for your mind, body and spirit. I especially like the quality and value of this journal, which is nicely laid out and will make a lovely gift as well.
Important Read. My therapist recommended this book. It was easy to read, relatable and the exercises were helpful. It’d read a few pages at a time because it caused flashbacks; but in a healing way. I had clarity after reading this book. Definitely recommend
It is exactly as advertised and better. beautiful! This journal is exactly what I was hoping for! I feel the quality of the paper and the construction. The most interesting thing is that it smelled wonderful as if had been stored where there were herbs there. Not enough to trigger an allergy but to put one in a calm state! I would buy again
Good Read. This is a staple for my counseling practice. Clients like it because it’s relatable and easy to understand.
Highly recommend!!! Such a helpful book. I haven’t finished this book, but it was recommended to me and i have found it so helpful for my marriage!It goes over tricks and helps for both sides, but mostly focusing on changing your personal views and how to help from what you can do not trying to change the other person.Its amazing!!
Prepare to cry. Rough book, great quality
Incredible read on how the body and mind hold on to trauma. This book is unbelievable and has changed my life. It is so well-written for the average laymen and explains the deep topic of trauma and how it affects the body and brain and emotional soul. It thoroughly examines how we carry around physical and emotional, behaviorial ailments in our body and how they are initiated due to our past traumas. It is a fascinating read.
A Game-Changing Book on Relationships. Attached is one of those rare books that doesn’t just explain relationships, it reframes how you understand yourself and others. The clear, compassionate breakdown of attachment theory makes complex psychology feel practical, relatable, and immediately useful.What sets this book apart is how actionable it is. Rather than blaming or labeling, Attached gives language to patterns many of us have felt but couldn’t quite name. It helped me recognize how attachment styles shape communication, conflict, intimacy, and even the partners we choose and more importantly, how awareness can lead to healthier, more secure relationships.The real power of this book is its balance of science and empathy. It doesn’t shame anxious or avoidant tendencies; it explains them. And in doing so, it creates space for self-compassion, growth, and better decision-making in love.Whether you’re single, dating, or in a long-term relationship, Attached is an essential read. It’s honest without being harsh, insightful without being academic, and empowering without being prescriptive. I recommend it to anyone who wants to stop repeating the same relationship cycles and start building connections that actually feel safe, stable, and fulfilling.
Perfect for Relationship Healing. This book truly helped me realize my faults in my relationship and learn how to better communicate and practice emotional intelligence. Such a great read!!